Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
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It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy