“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
wish me luck lads
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people