People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
You Might Also Like
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one