it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.