“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
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water it, i dare you
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Who does Amazon think I am?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly