Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
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My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
AM I BEING GASLIT????
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”