Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
You Might Also Like
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
how high up are we talkin’?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.