I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
You Might Also Like
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?