Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
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[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .