Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
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Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
God has abandoned us.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Happy Caturday!