I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
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I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
We decided to have money instead of children.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.