“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
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I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.