Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”