Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
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Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.