I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other