Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
what’s more important?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*