After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Somebody call the cops.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.