Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
this country is so goddamn polarized
u guys got any snacks onboard here
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
waiting for halloween be like: