Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
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The internet is magic sometimes.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..