Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
What personal space?
My dog
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.