Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I’m not proud
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.