what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?