When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
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I’ve had worse
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
just left a huge legacy in there
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?