Inside you there are two wolves
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[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
FINE, I WON’T.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide