The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
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They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?