Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
This is Sparta
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
umm…
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.