WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.