Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
won’t smith
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?