Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
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*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Oh my god
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade