“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
No, I don’t think I will.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.