Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
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Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Best spot.. 😅
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.