ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente