The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
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[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.