You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
You Might Also Like
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
You have been warned.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.