[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
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My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
what’s the point then??
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.