“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
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Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.