“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]