Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.