Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
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“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
My five year plan is a meteorite
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.