One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
This will never not be funny to me.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I saw this ending much differently.