Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
You Might Also Like
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Brother?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.