“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax