Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
You Might Also Like
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
There is no try. There is only give up.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?