Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches