Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks