That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
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Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Tastes like chicken.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
This kid will have a bright future.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.