i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
scared to check what name she chose
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean