Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”