her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
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Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.