1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Not helping
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
*praying for world peace*
God:
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.